活着就会痛，但不一定要一直苦：给华人的心理常识与自救方法
不少华人朋友心里难受，第一反应是忍一忍、挺过去。「想开点」「坚强点」「别给家里丢脸」，这些话我们都听过。难受被当成性格问题、意志问题，甚至是家丑，于是越难受越不说，越不说越难受。
其实心理问题和身体问题一样，是一种可以认识、可以学习、可以练习的东西。在美国，心理学、脑科学、精神医学已经研究了上百年，有一套经过验证的方法，不是算命，也不是光靠安慰。看心理医生，和看牙医、看感冒一样，是一件正常的事。
这篇专题，就是想把几条最实用的心理常识讲清楚：痛苦和受苦有什么不一样，人的三种心是怎么回事，以及平时可以练的应对技巧（coping skills）。
一、痛苦和受苦，是两回事
只要活着，人就会痛。失业、生病、亲人离世、孩子不听话、身份和钱的压力——这些痛，是生活本身带来的，谁也躲不掉。
但「受苦」往往是另一层：痛来了之后，我们又加上了抗拒、反复咀嚼和自我批判。
痛是：「我丢了工作，很难过。」
受苦是：「我丢了工作，我这辈子完了，我是个没用的人，我不敢见人。」
痛是信号，受苦是信号被放大之后、长时间卡在身上的状态。痛不一定能消除，但受苦的部分，是可以松动的。分清这两者，不是叫你否认痛苦，而是让你知道：除了痛本身，还有一部分，是我们可以学着放下的。
二、人的三种心：理智心、情绪心、智慧心
辩证行为疗法（DBT，心理学家 Marsha Linehan 提出）里有一个很好用的概念：人做决定的时候，通常处在三种心之一。
理智心（reasonable mind）：只讲事实和逻辑。「这个月账单是多少，下一步该做什么。」它冷静，但有时候冷得不近人情，也听不见自己的感受。
情绪心（emotion mind）：被情绪带着走。「我完了，谁都帮不了我。」情绪心来的时候，事实会被情绪重新染色，一件小事也能想成天塌下来。
智慧心（wise mind）：是前两者的结合。既看得见事实，也听得见感受，然后做出一个事后不后悔的决定。智慧心常常不是大声的，而是一种安静的「这样做比较对」的感觉。
三者没有好坏，都有用。问题出在只用一种：光用理智心，会把自己逼成机器；光用情绪心，会被情绪推着做傻事。练习的目标，就是在情绪上来的时候，先不急着下结论，给智慧心留一点出来的时间。
怎么练？几个小办法：
停一下。感觉要炸的时候，先停30秒，喝口水、深呼吸几次，不马上回话、不马上做决定。
把事实和想法分开写下来。左边写事实（发生了什么），右边写脑子里的想法（我担心什么）。你会发现，想法不等于事实。
问身体。胸口紧、胃里翻、肩膀硬——身体常常比脑子先知道你处在情绪心里。注意到身体，就是回到当下的开始。
睡一觉再决定。很多在情绪心里做的决定，第二天看都会后悔。能等的决定，就让它等一等。
上过这类课程的人常说，学完之后脑子越来越清醒。不是因为烦恼消失了，而是因为你多了一个位置，可以看着情绪，而不被情绪完全接管。
三、Coping skills 工具箱：情绪上来时怎么办
应对技巧不是大道理，是平时可以练的小动作。分三类：
第一类，情绪冲上来时，先急救。
STOP：停（Stop）、退一步（Take a step back）、观察（Observe）、再行动（Proceed）。先停，再做。
给身体降温：冷水洗脸、握一块冰、把脸埋进冷水里几秒。身体冷下来，心跳也会跟着慢下来。
动起来：快走一圈、爬楼梯、做几个深蹲。把身体里的能量用掉，情绪就不那么顶着你。
慢呼吸：吸气4秒、呼气6秒，做几组。呼气比吸气长，身体会收到「安全了」的信号。
五感安抚：摸一件软的东西、闻一个熟悉的味道、听一首喜欢的歌、吃一口热的东西。用感官把自己拉回当下。
第二类，平时稳住情绪。
给情绪起名字。「我现在是焦虑」「我现在是委屈。」把情绪说出来，它的力量就会小一点。
做相反行动。焦虑想让你躲，你就迈一小步：只打一个电话、只出门十分钟。不用一下子战胜它，只要不被它完全按住。
顾好身体基本盘。睡眠、吃饭、运动、少喝酒。身体垮的时候，情绪最容易失控。
留一个能说话的人。不用天天聊，但要有一个在难受时可以开口的人。孤立是受苦最好的朋友。
第三类，想法太吵时，让它松一点。
想法来了，不用马上辩论输赢。可以对自己说：「我脑子里有个声音说我不行，这只是一个想法，不一定是事实。」
不追、不压。想法像云，让它来、让它去，你继续做手头该做的事。
每天留十分钟写下来。今天最难受的是什么？事实是什么？我做了什么让自己好一点点？写下来，脑子就不用一直转同一件事。
四、什么时候，该找专业帮助
自救有边界。下面这些情况，说明该找专业的人聊聊了：
低落、焦虑持续两周以上，而且影响到睡觉、工作、和家人的关系；
脑子里反复出现伤害自己的念头；
靠喝酒、药物才能睡着、才能出门；
生活里的大事（失业、离婚、亲人离世、身份危机）压得你喘不过气，自己扛不动了。
在美国找帮助，有几条常见的路：先和家庭医生说，请他转介；也可以在 Psychology Today 这类平台上按语言筛选，找到会讲中文的咨询师；社区诊所、大学心理中心、教会和社团的转介也都可以问。第一次咨询不用有压力，就当是去了解一下，不合适可以换。
如果你或身边的人正处在危机里，美国可以拨打或短信988（自杀与危机生命线，全天24小时）；也可以给 Crisis Text Line 发短信741741。如果有人身处即时危险，请拨打911。
结尾：学心理，是给自己多一个选择
心理问题不是「想不开」，心理技能也不是天生的。理智心、情绪心、智慧心，每个人都有；痛苦和受苦的区别，每个人都可以学着分清。练得多了，脑子会越来越清醒——不是因为生活变容易了，而是因为你多了一套办法，不再只能硬扛。
愿这篇专题，能让更多华人朋友知道：难受的时候开口，不丢人；学一点心理常识，是给自己、也是给家人多一个选择。
本文为心理科普，不构成诊断或治疗建议。如有持续困扰或危机，请及时寻求专业帮助。
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Pain Is Part of Living, but Suffering Doesn't Have to Be: A Mental-Health Guide for Chinese Americans
When many Chinese Americans feel distressed, their first instinct is to endure it and push through. "Just think positive." "Be strong." "Don't shame the family." We have all heard these lines. Distress gets treated as a character flaw, a failure of willpower, even a family disgrace, so the worse we feel, the less we say, and the less we say, the worse we feel.
In fact, mental health works like physical health: it can be understood, learned and practiced. In the United States, psychology, neuroscience and psychiatry have been studied for over a century, and there is a body of tested methods behind them. Seeing a mental-health professional is as normal as seeing a dentist or a doctor for a cold.
This feature explains a few of the most practical ideas: the difference between pain and suffering, the three states of mind, and coping skills you can practice in daily life.
1. Pain and suffering are not the same thing
As long as we are alive, we will hurt. Job loss, illness, the death of a loved one, a difficult child, immigration and money pressures: that pain comes with life itself, and no one escapes it.
Suffering is often a second layer: after the pain arrives, we add resistance, rumination and self-blame.
Pain says: "I lost my job, and I am sad."
Suffering says: "I lost my job, my life is over, I am useless, I can't face anyone."
Pain is a signal. Suffering is what happens when the signal is amplified and stays stuck in the body for a long time. Pain cannot always be removed, but the suffering part can be loosened. Making this distinction is not about denying pain; it is about knowing that beyond the pain itself, there is a part we can learn to set down.
2. Three states of mind: reasonable mind, emotion mind, wise mind
Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), developed by psychologist Marsha Linehan, offers a useful idea: when we make decisions, we are usually in one of three states of mind.
Reasonable mind: facts and logic only. "How much are the bills this month, and what is the next step?" It is calm, but sometimes so cold that it cannot hear our own feelings.
Emotion mind: run by feelings. "I'm finished, no one can help me." In emotion mind, facts get recolored by emotion, and something small can feel like the sky falling.
Wise mind: the meeting of the two. It sees the facts and hears the feelings, then makes a decision we will not regret. Wise mind is often not loud; it is a quiet sense of "this is the right thing to do."
None of the three is good or bad; all are useful. Problems come from using only one. Reasonable mind alone turns us into machines; emotion mind alone pushes us into rash acts. The goal of practice is, when emotion surges, to not rush to a conclusion, and to leave wise mind a little room to appear.
How to practice? A few small methods:
Pause. When you feel about to explode, stop for 30 seconds. Take a sip of water, breathe deeply a few times, do not reply or decide right away.
Write facts and thoughts separately. On the left, the facts (what happened); on the right, the thoughts in your head (what you fear). You will find that a thought is not a fact.
Ask your body. A tight chest, a churning stomach, stiff shoulders: the body often knows before the mind that you are in emotion mind. Noticing the body is the beginning of coming back to the present.
Sleep on it. Many decisions made in emotion mind look regrettable the next day. If a decision can wait, let it wait.
People who have taken such courses often say their minds grew clearer afterward. Not because their troubles vanished, but because they gained a place from which to watch emotions without being fully taken over by them.
3. A coping skills toolbox: what to do when emotions surge
Coping skills are not grand theories; they are small actions you can practice. They fall into three groups.
First, first aid for a surge of emotion.
STOP: Stop, Take a step back, Observe, then Proceed. Stop first, act second.
Cool the body down: splash cold water on your face, hold an ice cube, or dip your face in cold water for a few seconds. As the body cools, the heart rate slows too.
Move: take a brisk walk, climb stairs, do a few squats. Spend the energy in your body, and the emotion pushes less.
Breathe slowly: inhale for 4 seconds, exhale for 6, for several rounds. A longer exhale tells the body it is safe.
Soothe with the five senses: touch something soft, smell a familiar scent, listen to a favorite song, eat something warm. Use the senses to pull yourself back to the present.
Second, steadying emotions day to day.
Name the emotion. "Right now I am anxious." "Right now I feel wronged." Saying it out loud takes away some of its power.
Do the opposite action. Anxiety wants you to hide; take one small step instead: make just one phone call, go out for just ten minutes. You do not have to defeat it, only refuse to be fully pinned down by it.
Keep the body's basics in order: sleep, food, exercise, less alcohol. When the body breaks down, emotions are the first to spin out of control.
Keep one person you can talk to. Not every day, but someone you can open up to when things get hard. Isolation is suffering's best friend.
Third, loosen noisy thoughts.
When a thought arrives, you do not have to argue it to a verdict. You can tell yourself: "There is a voice in my head saying I'm no good. That is a thought, not necessarily a fact."
Neither chase nor suppress. Thoughts are like clouds: let them come and go while you keep doing what is in front of you.
Write for ten minutes a day. What was hardest today? What are the facts? What did I do that helped a little? Once it is on paper, the mind does not have to keep circling the same thing.
4. When to seek professional help
Self-help has limits. The following are signs it is time to talk to a professional:
Low mood or anxiety lasting more than two weeks and affecting sleep, work or family relationships;
Recurring thoughts of harming yourself;
Needing alcohol or drugs in order to sleep or leave the house;
Major life events, such as job loss, divorce, bereavement or a status crisis, weighing on you beyond what you can carry alone.
In the United States, common paths to help include: telling your family doctor and asking for a referral; searching platforms such as Psychology Today by language to find a Mandarin-speaking therapist; and asking community clinics, university counseling centers, churches and community organizations about referrals. A first session carries no obligation; treat it as getting information, and you can switch if it is not a fit.
If you or someone near you is in crisis in the United States, call or text 988 (the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, 24 hours a day), or text 741741 to reach the Crisis Text Line. If someone is in immediate danger, call 911.
Closing: learning psychology gives you one more choice
Mental-health problems are not a matter of "not thinking straight," and psychological skills are not inborn. Everyone has a reasonable mind, an emotion mind and a wise mind; everyone can learn to tell pain from suffering. With practice, the mind grows clearer, not because life got easier, but because you have a set of tools and no longer have only endurance to rely on.
May this feature help more Chinese readers know: speaking up when you are struggling is not shameful, and learning a little psychology gives you, and your family, one more choice.
This article is mental-health education and does not constitute diagnosis or treatment advice. If distress persists or you are in crisis, please seek professional help promptly.
Related: Ohio's 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Reaches One Million Contacts Across All 88 Counties
Related: Nevada Seeks $2.3 Million in Federal Funds to Expand 988 Crisis Response Capacity
来源：GSM·美国（原文链接）
图片来源：图：黄昏时分天际线与教堂尖塔剪影。Eleneru 摄，CC BY-SA 4.0，经 Wikimedia Commons。 / A skyline and church spire silhouetted at dusk. Photo by Eleneru, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons.
